Friday, July 18, 2008

week one wellbutrin report

I hate it. But love it.

So I am sitting here at work listening to the Basement Jaxx and I am honestly thinking... wheres my head at?

I am on Wellbutrin to quit smoking and seriously this medication has completely altered how I FEEL. Like I just don't FEEL but to a complete extreme. I am living in a land of extreme emotion and it is icky. This is a wonder drug on the level that I don't crave the smoking but seriously I hate the rest of it.

I sit here and think, wow right now I am a shell of who I am really right now. I have no emotions about anything right now except complete anxiety. And the anxiety that I do have about a couple of things is completely exacerbated where normally I would just be nervous and weird but now today I am absolutely maniac about my house not being clean and I am sitting here at work and it is making me really nervous. No one is coming over, why do I need to worry about it right? But I am obsessing about it right now. I am seriously thinking about calling my boss and taking the afternoon off for OCD. We are meeting for dinner at 6:30 and I seriously can see myself cleaning the house right up to 6:29 and getting there late. Then I worry about that like what if my clocks all stop? Then I am really late and I can't be late I mean what do I do if all the clocks stop. I need to make sure I have batteries in all the clocks but what about my watches? I mean what if my watches stop too? And the clock on my cable box, that usually is always on, but then what if the cable goes out and if the cable goes out then I won't have my dvr to record a movie I have set for steevoh to record for me, then what if the hard drive fails on the dvr then what about the other movies I haven't watched.... seriously......seriously this is all going through my head right now. I can catch myself and say whoa crazy Zoe, calm down, everything is fine.

But see, vicious crazy cycle of bad. I don't like it one bit. But the drug is doing so much good for me I just worry that if I stop taking the drug than I will turn around and smoke which I don't want to do but pretty much am weak. So damnit. I only recognized what was really going on last night when I went to see my friends band play and caught myself in a land of crazy. And because F didn't make it due to another show I had to sit there and stew in the madness and couldn't talk it out. I went home and had a little crazy session. I hope Herschel will forgive me because I talked it out to him.

Got bumped to manage an executive's calendar yesterday. Normally I would be over the moon but I literally sat there staring when I was told the news. Seriously this is a great opportunity and I think it is a great thing work and career wise but I sat there like a bump on a f'n log and said "ok sounds fine". Sounds fine? What is that crap? All the negative emotions right now are amplified though. Not the good ones. Not the ones that would normally excite the crap out of me. Just the ones that are brought up with situations that are stress and anxiety ridden, I don't think... hey there could be really good stuff in this news, in my life right now, no I am thinking all the miserable awful things that are in there possibly. Its not good and I am a little pissed that they (meaning the doctors) don't say... hey this will totally help with your smoking and quitting but by the way your personality is going to do a complete 180 and you are going to whig a little.

But for the next two weeks I have to be on this stupid drug at the full level because seriously it is getting me through this quitting thing. BUT come the beginning of week three I am stepping down. Seriously this sucks. But I am not smoking which is freshness but I am not bouncing off the walls happy and joyous like I thought I would be on anti-depressants, nope I am just bleh. And it sucks.

So that is how I go into the weekend. Bleh. neat.

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