Monday, August 15, 2005

the tide again turned. My Grandmother passed away on Shabbos. She was buried on Tish a'baav. The rest of my life is going to be radically changed by this loss. I have said this before and I will say it again... its just never going to be the same and its horribly sad.

Another sad thing is that out of all the people that I expected the most from it was two people that I expected the least of who showed that they cared. Huh. Interesting. Good luck in your lives as well. One person's cell phone called my house from his pocket about three times, but every time I tried to call back in between hospital visits he never answered. I know honestly that he didn't actually try and call. I will though send his wife a thank you card for the birthday card she was caring enough to send.

I know I sound incredibly bitchy and all, but sadly enough, I needed some friends to help me deal with this emotionally. Thank g-d for Valentine and even PoPo yesterday when she was at the funeral. FooFoo came in from DC and that was nice as well. I have to be grateful for them and just be sad about the others. Wouldn't it just be nice to get a little call or something? I am not expecting a fruit basket, trust me, but a sorry for your loss? Or sorry I didn't know, which IS b.s. by the way because some people DID know and some people read my blog and some people got an email. Whatever. Its just sad, that's all I can say.

When the cantor was at my Grandfather's house tonite for Mincha and Maariv (they did them both), he gave a little lesson about the Shema. It was verrrry interesting. I liked learning a little something new today about the Shema and how the words are about devotion and rememberance especially during this time of mourning for my Grandmother and for the holiday of Tish A'Baav and that Tu b' Av is about celebrations and traditionally a day for Shiddachs and Weddings. I really did learn something tonite and I thank the Cantor for the lesson. He told an interesting story and was everything I think a religous leader should be. Too bad I don't think the same about my own rabbai. The rebitzin from another shul my Grandma and Grandpa went to was at the house today. She was everything a rebbitzin should be. It was amazing. Now I understand why they like the leaders of their communities.

This is something someone said to me today. I just smiled and nodded, I didn't have a clue. It is much better than someone asking, "how are you doing"...well... I am doing pretty crappy right now if you really want to know.... That saying is much better.

While I am not a super religious woman this seems like a pretty good path to follow for a traditional morning period. I don't know about all the "rules and regulations" but alot of it really really does make sence. I am going to take alot of it to heart though. Its very good advice.

The thing that strikes me the most present right now is that my Grandmother will not be present to see me get married (she will be there I am sure though), she will not be present to talk to three or four times a week on the phone anymore, she will not be present on my birthday, on our belated Chanukah parties, or be at Rosh Hashana dinners anymore, there will be no more kreplach from her kitchen, she will not be present to say "trugazint" when we have good things happen in our lives. This is a hole that will never be filled. And its incredibly heart breaking. There are family traditions that we will have to carry on, sure, but its just never going to be the same.

I am sorry anyone that reads this will never know the amazing love and kindness this woman had for every person that would walk into a room she was in.

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