So it's 3:31 on New Years Day! Happy New Year. This missive comes more as a statement than a resolution or as "a year in review post". It comes more as a follow up to the past few days.
With the cold and snowy weather that Colorado finally got I also finally got something that I have been waiting for I think for a very long time.
Certainly it was something that I needed. My ticket to the clue bus finally came.
I sit here and wonder, why did it take this long? Did it take this long because I have been walking around with blinders on? Have I been wishing for something that didnt exist? Was I thinking that I had more value? Yes and so much more.
Here is the deal. It's now about 3:30 in the morning, it's January 1 and I am sitting here in bed. Awake, alone and actually not as sad as I was say 10 hours ago. I think I will begin the mourning process in a while but for now, I am putting this into a blog post so that I put it out there in the world. I am not looking for a reaction or comments or anything. I just can't... I am not hiding from my feelings or insecurities any more. I just can't. I have had this delicate dance for the past 3 years and I guess.... I am done.
What may seem like such a little stupid thing has escalated for me and I can't let it go because I haven't been able to even talk to F about it. And posting here and making decisions without talking to him isn't exactly fair but because this is how I feel, and I do feel like my eyes are wide open (I mean I certainly am awake) I don't want to dismiss this at all.
Thursday night would have been our only actual night for "us" for this New Year's. I am hugely sentimental and this should come as absolutely no surprise to anyone that either knows me in real life or even through the far reaches of the internet. So it was the one night of this season that we would have to just us. I asked him if he wanted to come over, I would make dinner and we could have some time. He "pass(ed)". I actually let it go Thursday night because the snow had made the roads a little slick and being understanding and caring about him and his safety I thought at the immediate moment... "ok makes sense" but really... as the night went on and the words "I think I am going to pass" mulled around in my head, I thought... well fuck you then. Fuck you and your angry birds game on your IPhone which is what you are finding more important to you right now and fuck you and your "pass" because this was the only night that it would have just been us wrapping up what up until that moment was a pretty great year in my mind.
I woke up yesterday, Friday, morning really sad actually. It was about 10:30 and I knew that F wouldn't be awake just yet so wasn't expecting a call just yet but when I didn't hear from him until 10:30 in the evening...to find out if I was coming to the show or not, I have to say I was a little disappointed.
I would have thought and this might just be me being a girl and more attached to the sentimentality of it all, that he would have wanted to spend at least part of his day off from work and New Years Eve with me. His band played a New Years Eve show and has a New Years Day show. Now I understand the gigging part of the weekend. This is what you give up when you are involved with a musician, so I am not at all disappointed by the shows being planned, this I understand and honestly up until Friday morning I was really looking forward to them. But that all changed when I sat and marinated in the feeling that I am of absolutely no consequence or value in this relationship. That it's one sided and I am more fuck buddy than girlfriend.
Christmas dinner was mentioned to me that morning. There are way too many "oh by the way tonite" things that happen that make me think that I am not really of value to be included at all. Someone that is valued and included knows about things more than hours before they happen.
I still to this day can honestly say I think that F cares about me, I really do think that he does, but he hasn't ever actually said it. But it's what I think. OR is it what I WISH. I really don't know. Honestly. I really don't.
In September when I laid it out for him and gave him the opportunity to say it out loud, he actually said "you don't know how I feel about you? You really dont?" which I can't for the life I me understand, why he would be surprised by that. Nope. And I still haven't heard you say it aloud. I didn't then, I don't know and certainly I am very curious.
I have made plenty of excuses but it's really sad that after this long... I can't really say I really know.
I got four texts tonite after midnight wishing me a happy new year and not one of them was from F. He might think that the reason why I didn't go down to his show was because the roads were really icy and it was below zero, which is certainly a good excuse and even partially true but had he listened to me, I mean really heard what I said, he would have heard me tell him that this was the first time I had heard from him all day and I am sad. So not getting a text or a call or even an email after the show says alot. I didn't go into the whole thing when he did call at 10:30 tonite because to lay that on him before his show isn't fair. I would have hoped though that he would have had the common fucking sense to know that when I said I am not coming and in a tone that doesn't exactly bel anything but
sadness that he should call after the show. After three years the "emotional shorthand" should be there for him. This is why I just am unsure of where I stand, my value to him or the status of what this is.
So there will be some tears shed over the next few days. I am not exactly starting 2011 out like I had anticipated. I mean it's 4 a.m. and I am posting to a blog right now. But there will be resolution in this and completion in that I have for too long made excuses for him and will not do it anymore.
I do promise to post more. I promise that I will do better. I have wanted to post more happy things but this, sadly, has been in the works since I said that I loved him (which I do) and basically got a blank stare in return. I think that is why I took so long to post the pictures up to flickr of our trip to NY, because while I said what should have been sad aloud, in the light and face to face a long time ago, to him there, I didn't get much of a response. And I am a fool to think that walking hand in hand from Rockafeller Center for a couple of blocks means I love you. I am a fool to have thought so. I have been thinking realistically maybe I have made this to be much much more than it really is. So.... I am putting THIS out there, but from the darkened confines of my bedroom with no lights on. There is safety in the dark. And honestly I would have much prefered to be telling all this to him instead of the internet but he chose to not call. He chose to not reach out. So. I put this out there because I can't sleep if I don't get it out.
I also have two art projects in the works, one a curated show, but calling the gallery owner is an issue right now because I don't know if I can say "hey (guy who owns the gallery), you know me I am am F's girlfriend" or do I say I am his "ex girlfriend". I just don't know right now where I stand or where the relationship stands so I am holding off on that until I know for sure. The guy that owns the gallery is friends with F so it is dicey in that regard on that part of the pitch. But not at all in the execution or the idea. It might just be the most awesome thing I do all year if I can get the gallery owner to agree, I will post more when I am more solid in those details for sure.
I also am working on a couple of photography ideas and might take up painting/drawing/knocking about again. I watched this documentary today that has me just totally beyond inspired. I wish I had even a box of crayons handy. It would help me loads. I doodled in my journal today for the first time in over 15 years. I mean actually doodled. It was tremendous.
If the roads are even halfway decent during the day tomorrow like they were today I am thinking that I am going to channel some of this sadness. The track record is that I won't hear from F until the evening at least so I have the entire day. I just hope that it warms up a little to melt some of the ice and I can safely drive somewhere.
So at 4:30 a.m. on New Years Day I am awake, and contemplating alot. I hope that 2011 brings you everything your heart desires and deserves. I hope that 2011 is a bright big ball of joy that you can hardly contain. I will think the best thoughts, I will keep hoping for love and kindness and joy. I am not going to give that up don't you fret.