I needed to share this... had to just laughed my tushie off at my desk!
Just in case there were any questions about the differences between
Christmas and Chanukah. Hopefully this should clear up those misconceptions.
HOLIDAY DISTINCTIONS
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also
love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and
out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is eight days. It
starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is
ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah
starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots.
We all have the same calendar,
provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the
kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in
Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the
same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived,
let's eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos.
Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected
works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to
spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Chanuka, Hanukkah, Hannukah, etc.
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends.
Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that
burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukkah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for
Chanukkah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to
feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful.
Chanukah songs are about dreidles made from clay or having a party and
dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the
beautiful carols
were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara
Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of
cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive
moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and
onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
9. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn their eyes and
cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah.
Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.
10. Parents deliver to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents
have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such
as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are
Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or
pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and
they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Joseph,
Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with
her, and now you want to blame God. Here's the number of my shrink."
13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized.
The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It
makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur?
Forget about
celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27
hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess
your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a
mere $200 per person.
Better stick with Chanukah!
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