Mental Sabatoge

There is a whole list of things that I could put out there but I won't right now... maybe I will at another point. I will say that I got into a size 8 skirt on Wednesday but bought the size 10 (no wait... I just checked, it is the size 8...yipes!) so that I am guaranteed to be able to wear it (*edited to add: I have no gaurantees, better find someplace to wear it while I can!). Where to I have no idea but I love it and have thought about this skirt for like 2 months. I can now quit obcessing about that one thing since there are many others that I can spend my time on.

I have been thinking alot over the last couple of days (rightfully so since it was Yom Kippur... and may you all who come across this be inscribed in the book of life) about the words to Hatikva. I regret not hearing it played during the Olympics. I am sad that I didn't actually. I have been to Israel and I will hopefully go again, but I really honestly miss very much hearing that song, I used to hear it once a week sung at the religious school during services and I miss singing the words and feeling a part of my faith and people.

Sure services (ok I really only went for Kol Nidre) were ok and the room was packed, but sitting behind a lady with heyouge fake red hair and being distracted by her ostentaionness didn't make me feel like I was there for the right reason. I kept thinking about her hair, her big fake red hair. Her big obnoxious jewelry, her anorexic body with this mass of big fake red hair. I would name her because honestly I have no shame, but her name could google people here and honeys that isn't at all what I need.

So in the middle of services I am thinking about the Hatikva. I go to the end of the siddur and there are the words and I think... why don't we sing this anymore? Well maybe if I went to a Shabbat Service I would get to. So maybe in the next couple of weeks I will go (the next Shabbat Unplugged is the 22nd, so perhaps I will go and maybe they will sing it. But I doubt it. I did just down load a version by Streisand. Oy what have I done.

This is a great time for renewal of faith and things so maybe this year it will stick. I really want to try.

I think not having Jewish friendships for the past 10 years sucked it out of my soul. I haven't embraced it as much as when I was in high school and half if not more of my friends were Jewish and we all went to synagouge on Fridays then went out. I don't have a single person friend wise in my life that would go to shul with me right now. I am working on it but its really hard.

I skipped a post break the fast party tonite because I am so unbeliveably sketchie about trusting people after the mishegas that I have gone through with these girls I called my friends for so long. Its that simple. I am very afraid to put my trust in people right now. I didn't want to stand around at this party thinking "oy I hope I am not wearing this skowl because hell I really don't want to be here and why am I then" so I didn't go. I appreciate the invitation very much and but I am not in a mood to be very social with my Brother's friends.