Saturday night, its alright for fighting

Ok so I got to the restaurant early and had a nice cold shot of chocolate vodka. Yum...tastic. I then learned that there are two manufacturers at least so I shouldn't have a hard time finding it, which is really great which is the good news!

My friend (not the one who we were celebrating her birthday of by the way) Tee tells me that after dinner we are meeting up with her latest love prospect at the bar and he is Jewish and she wants to know what that means? Uh wha? What that means is yet another Jewish contemporary is dating skiksas, which is fine but "what does that mean?"... mean?

Well at the bar I was standing there waiting for my drink and he says to me...get the one with the "go fast" that "would be fun" and I tell him that when I was at this Jewish Singles function and got vodka and red bull, I got overly chatty and made some choices I wouldn't have normally made and it was fun, but I am mellower tonite. Oh... he is Jewish too he tells me. cool... I say. I then order my standard vanilla vodka and diet coke... which was mixed to absolute perfection by the way.

So I am waiting to pay for my drink and he says "oh I am Jewish too (yeah I heard you the first time), but I only date Christian girls, they are funner". What? I almost got pissed and turned to him to ask him what that means, but really honestly all I wanted to do was get back to my friends, this guy was wearing enough stripper smalling cologne I thought I was going to pass out.

What did make me pissed though, was the drunker he got ("I am drinking a real Jewish drink, Crown Royal sours... ") the more he insulted my level of dedication to Judaism. The fact that I don't have a husband that "provides" for "you"/me was a "shanda" (to which I say, it is neither a disgrace or a sad thing, it is just the way it is...) So big honking deal that until he was twenty he donned tefilin. That is great and a mitzvah, but he sure isn't now and schtupping shiksas for jollies. He asked me what I was looking for in a "Jew". In a "Jew"? What the hell. What about... so Zoe, what do you look for in freinds and lovers? Um asswipe that would be compassion, kindness, honesty, and some other nitty gritties I am so not going to go into here, if the guy I am interested in happens to be Jewish, terrif, if not, its a bridge to cross when I get to it...

Then in the middle of a conversation I am having with my other girlfriends while Tee is outside smoking (about Sex and the City by the way), he leans over and says... "have you ever been to a mikva?". No, in fact I haven't. Get this. .. he got up and said I was "dirty".

Yet this is a guy who tells me in the next sentance that he hasn't been to shul in over 12 years, doesn't really consider himself Jewish, doesn't know what he wants to do about his four year old daughter and "doesn't really like Jews". And. I. am. dirty. Why don't you like Jews, I ask.

"their mothers, they are controlling and miserable and it makes me only like Christians". I said to him... "honey you haven't met my Mom, she kicks total ass and is amazing" to which he says..."I wouldn't shtup her".

Well honey... no self respecting jew would schtup you either, shmeggee.

I had to tell Tee that I thought he was very honerable to have custody of his kid, and to treat her well and buy all her drinks. I couldn't very well say "look honey... the guy is a putz has issues with his family and has on and off for the last three hours insulted my belief system". When we left, he said "good luck with everything" to which I leaned over and gently told him...

kush meir en tuches.

Tee asked me what it meant, I lied and instead of telling her that I told him to "kiss my ass" I said I told him to "drive safe".

If he hurts her, I will kick his ass.